Today....today was a shitty day

Today sucked

Have you every had one of those days where someone who works near you is having a bad day?....than they take it out on you.  That was my day!!!    I really should have barked back, but I just didn't have it in me.

By the time I got home I was pissed off, upset and ready to cry.   I was also ready to crack that bottle open soooooo badly - drink a bottle and forget the day away.  BUT!  I resisted.  

Firstly tomorrow is Friday, so by drinking it would have made tomorrow shitty too.  I can't bare to think about 2 shitty days in the row.  Secondly, I would have felt guilty.  The weekend was my last binge.....I will binge no more!  

So I cracked the ginger beer, hugged the husband and cried on the phone to my Mum (Mum totally gets my crying).   I probably look like a wreck, but at least I won't have a hangover tomorrow!

XXX


Can't stop at three

ps- Jigsaw puzzles seem to be my new hobby instead of wine.  I feel like an old lady

WOW

Wow, wow, wow!

Last night and tonight I didn't even think about wanting a drink.....weird!  Maybe there is still alcohol in my system since my weekend blow out!

Any how, I keep thinking about hobbies to replace drinking.   Isn't it weird, I'd stopped doing stuff so I could drink.  Now I am planning to have more free time.  Actually maybe not weird, it really is quite sad

The Last Hurrah

Okay, so moderation didn't really happen on the wine weekend.   I failed in that department.....so let call that one the last hurrah before kicking the booze to the curb.

So what did I learn/modify over the weekend???

Positive

• I mixed cider with wine drinking, which slowed me down
• I listened to my body and when I felt like I was tipping over I stopped
• I kept well away from the spa pool - that thing dehydrates you like a bitch
• I brought home 4 bottles of olive oil from tastings, not 4 bottles of wine!
• I sat wine tastings out to keep in control 

Negative

• I am sick of waking up in the morning and saying to hubby "were I okay last night", due to memory loss
• I spent a lot of energy worrying about getting too drunk because I am scared of myself
• I still drank A LOT! and I am starting to worry about what that is doing to my body

So in summary - I've become scared of myself when I drink! 

I think I'm Crazy!!!

Today was a big yo-yo.  Up, down, up again, down again.....do I drink (it is a routine on the last day of the week of work), do I not drink

I fucked up - I had a beer.

Just one beer and now I feel guilty as hell!  Mind going mental over one beer.  Usually I would have 2, then go home and drink a bottle of wine....so that is at least progress!

I think I am a broken, messed up mind person.

I had a chat with Hubby tonight.  He did say tonight that this weekend will be tough not to drink (given we arranged this drinking weekend), so aim for moderation.....that's the plan!  He also said "please don't repeat last years incident" (the hiffing ring one).......cringe!

So I am packing my bags for the weekend at the vineyards, and I will not get shit faced!

ps - I think I am crazy messed up in my head  - it is like being tugged between two worlds and personalities at the moment

Pissed Off

This morning I felt pissed off....

• Why can't I be a responsible moderate drinking?  
• Why me? 
• Why does the wine demon live in me?  
• Why can't I live without Wine Monday, Wine Tuesday, Wine Wednesday, Wine Thursday, Wine Friday, Wine Saturday AND Wine Sunday
• Why must I drink whole bottles
• Why, why, why???

It was a 'woe is me' moment and only 3 days into my blog!  

I also started to think, ah blow it - I should just start after my weekend away with friends, why start with a wine weekend in front of me!  May as well go out with a bang.    

Anyhow I pulled my head out of my arse and kept myself together....I can do this, I can stay sober on my weekend away.    

So this weekend away (the 4 day wine tour weekend freaking me out), I am setting some goals for myself

• Moderation!  
• 3 drinks a day max!  Prove my blog name wrong
• Start the evenings alcohol free....chances are I will keep going if I am enjoying myself and find I don't need alcohol
• If the mixers come out, pretend to join in, but don't put the shots in my drink (I am not ready to tell my friends my problem drinking yet)
• If things look like they might get messy, have a shower, get in pjs and go to bed earlier than everyone else 
• Enjoy being the sober person
• Enjoy remembering things in the morning
• Enjoy not feeling guilty the next morning
• Enjoy the last wine, as this weekend is it
• Enjoy the new me!   

   

The Honeymoon Period

This evening I sip my apple juice from my wine glass and think "this is easy".......I am in the honeymoon phase of course!  I am yet to get a craving.....I am yet to go on a wine tour this weekend (ffffaaarrrr out!!!)

So I am going to take a lesson from Mrs D (http://livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.co.nz/) and list a few horrific things I've done in a drunken state.  Just incase I need a memory prod for when times are tough.  So here goes......and my oh my I am going to cringe putting these in writing.

-   Hiffing my engagement ring at my now husband when drunk and angry (I still hate thinking how much that must of hurt him)

- Slurring away and saying to a friend I thought he was in love with a woman who wasn't his wife (god knows why he is still friends with me after that hideous comment)

- The good old $300 puke in a taxi cab

I think that is all I can bare writing for now!

To be perfectly honest, those mega cringe moments aren't too often.  It is the drunk/tipsy at the party/bbq/work drinks etc etc (any excuse for drinking), when everyone else just has just had one, that has become far to often.  I wish I could stop at 1, 2 or even stop at 3, but that just doesn't seem to be in my genes......if the bottle is open it must be drunk!

Not another blog!

So here I am.  The 2nd blog I've started in 2016 about going sober....why my 2nd.  Because a) I didn't really like the design of my first blog, and b) I totally buggered up going sober within a week of starting.

So here I am again.....it is a Monday - I have hit another rock bottom (my full on rock bottom was 1 year ago...but that is for another blog). So why today???

Yesterday we (husband and I) hosted a BBQ, a school night so not much drinking (well for everyone else).  But Mrs "I Can't Stop at 3" (or 2 or 1) polished off a bottle of wine, and then cracked open the bubbles.  When the guests leave I proceed to argue with the husband and break down crying.    A one off you may think.....but no, this is pretty standard of my behavour when drinking . I just can't stop myself, if I start drinking I end up with at least 5 + glasses in.  If I stop at 2 I spend the rest of the evening battling internally not to zip to the nearest super for a bottle of wine.

So in our arguement, my husband points out that it is always alcohol.....our fights are always based around alcohol.   I either get pissed off at him that he cuts me off from drinking, pissed off with him that he says I a drunk when I feel sober, pissed off with him for not noticing I am trying to cut back, or pissed off with him that he can stop at 2 while I have no self control what so ever. .....he is right.

So here I am, the day after our fight, feeling very depressed, I've cried most of the morning and I just can't stay stuck in this cycle...